#it’s been a week it feels like a year I need a new pharmacy

[campirebitesarchive]

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[redrose10]

Trope- exes. Who didnt end badly, still has residual feelings for each other & met again at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner/hangout (?) with prompts 36 & 46 ? 🤎

I went with Yoongi for this one since he’s like 99% of the requests I get. I hope that’s okay!

< I Will Always Love You >

Yoongi x Female Reader

Warnings: A few swear words

#36 “Are you finished, so you’ll listen to me?”

#46 “And I’m here to save you.”

*******************************************************

Twelve months…two weeks…four days…five hours. That is how long it’s been since you last saw him. Since you last saw Yoongi. That night your world came crashing down. The two of you had been arguing all week. Little things here and there.

He left a dirty coffee cup on the counter and an argument ensued.

You forgot to pick up his medicine at the pharmacy on your way home and he took it personally.

He did a load of laundry and accidentally shrunk your favorite sweater. He offered to buy you a new one that night but you felt like he did it out of spite.

You accidentally knocked over a glass of wine all over his laptop causing it to short circuit. He could easily afford a new one but it was the principal of it all that upset him.

The final straw was when he skipped date night. He left you sitting at home alone for hours watching the meal you had worked hard on go cold. When he finally walked through the door he said you guys needed to talk and you agreed. After almost two hours of you both pouring out your hearts you both agreed that your three year relationship had run its course and it was best to go your separate ways.

So you found yourself a cute little apartment several blocks away. Yoongi made sure to stay out of the way as you and your best friends Jungkook and Jin helped you pack up and move all of your things. As you were leaving Yoongi told you to take care of yourself and that he would always be there if you ever needed anything. You told him to the same even though you both knew deep down you would never contact each other again. You gave him a hug and walked out. That was the last time you saw him.

Because even though you shared many of the same friends it was surprisingly easy to avoid him. It also helped that it seemed like he was doing the same. One of you was always conveniently busy or sick so it worked out.

Except tonight. Tonight was the one night you couldn’t avoid. One of your good friends Jimin was getting married. He made you promise not to skip out on the wedding and of course you agreed even though you really wanted to, especially after getting confirmation that Yoongi would be there.

Things had gotten easier as time went on over the last year or so. You stopped crying over him every day. Then you stopped thinking about him every single day. You heard that he had started dating some woman a few months after your breakup. It hurt deeply but it also motivated you to try and move on too. You went on a few dates here and there. You had a small thing with some guy named Namjoon but even though he was really sweet and nice and handsome that fizzled out after a couple of months leaving you single again.

You somehow managed to get a last minute date for the wedding though. Your neighbor. He was cute but you quickly found out he was arrogant and rude. The first thing he said to you was how he thought your dress would be shorter and you had to watch him check out practically every woman at the wedding while you were sitting right next to him. Even though you were miserable and feeling more alone than ever as you watched Jimin saying ‘I do’ to the love of his life you still did your best to fake happiness.

Jimin and his new bride walked down the aisle and as you turned to see them off you saw him. Yoongi looked as beautiful as ever, his hair was longer and his suit was somehow casual yet still wedding appropriate and looked great on him. He was smiling at Jimin and his bride before looking back and smiling at a woman. She was gorgeous with a smile almost as beautiful as his. He looked happy and content and even though you felt a small burning sensation in your chest you were happy for him.

Cocktail hour flew by and then it was time for the reception. You did your best to avoid Yoongi as much as you could through the evening. You caught little glimpses but thankfully it didn’t seem like he saw you at all, or at least he was pretending like he didn’t which you appreciated.

Dinner was served and then you sat through several speeches. Jimins best man Hoseok recounted several funny stories, a few of which you personally remembered, and it felt really good to laugh like that again.

Then the dance floor was opened up. Your date surprisingly asked you to dance. You accepted and headed to the floor. Even though he was dancing with you, his eyes were scanning over every other woman within the vicinity. At one point he even creepily licked his lips earning an eye roll from you.

“Hey uh you ready to go? I think we should find a room so we can finally be alone.”, he mumbled in your ear.

“No thanks.”

“Come on Y/N, don’t be such a prude.”

“She said she’s not interested. So I suggest you fuck off. Maybe try one of the other women you’ve been staring at all night.”, a very deep and very familiar voice said from behind you.

Yoongi and your date were having a stare down before your date scoffed mumbling something about you not being worth the trouble and walking away.

“Want to dance?”, he asked stepping in front of you.

Speechless you nodded. As he placed his hands on your hips it felt like your body was on fire and you wanted to lean into him to savor the feeling.

“Yoongi I…I thought you were here with a date.”, you questioned.

He smiled, “I was…I was dancing over there with her and then I saw how uncomfortable you were and now I’m here to save you.”

You quickly backed out of his grasp, “What?! Yoongi I’m not going to be the reason you two break up. You’re disgusting for doing that to her.”

You stormed out to the balcony area needing some fresh air. Yoongi followed closely behind.

You had tears already forming from all of the emotions you were struggling to sort through, “Leave me alone Yoongi. Please just go back to your date. I’m not going to be the reason something happens between the two of you. I don’t want her to get upset with me or think I’m trying to get you back or something.”, you pinched the bridge of your nose trying to stop the tears from falling, “I just want you to be happy and you looked so happy earlier and that makes me so happy and I just…”

You were in a panic thanks to feeling guilty because what if she saw you two and feeling angry that he would do that to her and feeling hurt at the reminder that he wasn’t yours and finally feeling a sense of relief at having him so close once again. The comforting mix of his cologne and shampoo taking you back to a simpler time but making it all worse.

He lightly chuckled before wrapping you in his arms allowing you to cry into his chest, “Y/N, are you finished, so you’ll listen to me?”

You nodded, though refusing to look at him.

“She’s not my date like that.”, he said causing you to finally look up at him in confusion. He used his thumb to wipe away the tears on your cheek.

“She’s just a friend.”, he said making you roll your eyes. He laughed but continued, “She’s just a friend who has a huge huge HUGE crush on Hobi but was too nervous to ask him out. She asked if I would be her date tonight until she had a couple drinks and worked up the courage to tell him.”, he turned and smirked, “And it looks like it worked.”

You looked over and saw Hobi and that woman slow dancing while smiling lovingly at each other.

Yoongi continued, “And if you must know I was so happy earlier because I got to see you Y/N. I miss you. I was hoping you’d be here but then I saw you had a date. Jimin said he was no one but I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries.”

“Yeah he was a mistake more than anything.”, you grumbled getting a smile out of Yoongi.

He wrapped his arms around you again and you allowed your body melt into his, “I missed you Yoongi.”, you mumbled into his skin.

“I missed you to Y/N. Fuck, I was so stupid for ever letting you go.”

“I should’ve fought harder too. I was just so tired of the arguing and feeling like everything was falling apart.”, you sniffled feeling tears begin to form again.

“Hey hey don’t cry any more. Y/N I hate seeing you cry. I’m here now. And maybe…maybe if you want to…we can start over.”

You looked up taking in his soft features and he gave you a small smile.

You nodded and gave his cheek a kiss which he happily received.

At some point someone had cracked open the door to allow the chill air to fill into the reception room which also let the soft hum of the music stream out onto the patio.

“They’re playing our song.”, you smiled as the familiar tune of I Will Always Love You rang through the air. Yoongi had sung the song to you one night after your first big fight. You were convinced that he was going to leave you. He wasn’t great at speaking his mind so instead he pulled you down on his lap and sang the song trying to do his best Whitney Houston impression. He did it to cheer you up but also let you know that no matter what happened between you two he was always going to love you. After that night it became your song.

Yoongi smirked, “Yeah I think our friends might’ve had something to do with that.”

He was was pointing inside and you saw a group of your friends staring at you both while giggling and giving you a thumbs up.

“Well if they want a show then we’ll give them a show.”, he said before taking your hand, “Y/N will you dance with me?”

Your heart felt like it was going to burst but you agreed before he quickly twirled you around and back into his comforting arms once again.

[jj-maybanks-daughter]

baby

y/n and rafe had been married for 2 years and have been trying to have a baby for a year and 6 months. they had tried everything. rafe gave up drugs, she took fertility pills, tests, looking through family history, and even shots. y/n hates shots but she would do anything to bring a baby into the world. it all paid off eventually 

warnings: throwing up, difficult birth, blood, stitches, hard pregnancy, some cursing, mention of wards death, lmk if i missed anything

y/n leaped out of bed, rafe slowly opening his eyes and following her to the bathroom. “you good, babe?” he asked peeking through the crack she left in the door.

“i think i’m gonna throw up.” she sighed lunging to the toilet and lifting up the seat. rafe pulled her face out of her hair. 

y/n turned around and smiled at him. 

“bro, why are you smiling. it’s fucking 7:32 am and you just threw up. i wouldn’t be smiling.” he said after dropping her hair. 

“babe,” she paused, “do you know what this means?” he smile just got bigger and bigger. rafe sat to think for a minute

“wait…” he started to smile after he realized,  “when was your last period?” he unlocked his phone to open the period tracker he got on his phone to keep track. 

“i didn’t want to get your hopes up, but i think throwing up is a good sign.” y/n chuckled. her period was 4 days late, but they are never on time. morning sickness might have just confirmed the news. 

“oh my god! oh my god!” he got up to pick her up and spun her around in his arms. “we need to go get a test!” he yelled, thrilled. 

“babe, it’s so early.” she smiled 

“oh right… as soon as the open. can i get you anything? water, snack?” he asked excitedly. 

“all i want is to brush my teeth.” she laughed. she didn’t want to be to excited, in case she was getting her hopes up. 

rafe hopped in his pickup truck to run to the pharmacy. he didn’t know how many tests to get, so he got three.  

he checked out and got home as soon as he could. 

“i’m home!” he said, barging into the door of the house on figure eight. 

he handed her the tests and led her to the bathroom. he waited outside as she took them. 

“babe.” she said as she opened the door, tests on the counter. “i really don’t want you to get your hopes up. it might not be anything. i don’t want you to be disappointed if it’s negative.” she said, looking down at her feet. 

“i know, babe.” he said pulling her in for a hug and resting his head on hers. “i just need to feel confident. all i want is for you to be healthy.” 

the timer went off a few minutes later. “rafey, im scared” she admitted. 

“it’ll be alright either way, ok?” he reassured her. she was more worried for him to be upset with her. she knew he’s been wanting to be a dad for a long time, and this finally seemed like his chance.

“three two one” she counted down as the flipped the tests. “OH MY GOD! I CANT BELIEVE IT!” she yelled and cheered

“i’m gonna be a dad!” he picked her up and spun her around. “finally! it paid off, babe! i’m gonna call a doctor and we’re gonna get you an appointment. i’m so excited!”

a few weeks later was your appointment.

“i’m nervous, babe.” y/n admitted in the car ride there. 

“it’ll be alright. i can’t wait to see baby’s heartbeat.” he put his hand on y/ns thigh as his eyes stayed on the road. 

“there’s the heartbeat!” the doctor smiled as she pointed to the screen. 

tears of joy ran down both y/n and rage’s faces as they admired the screen. “how much longer till the baby comes?” rafe jokes.

“due to the issues with getting pregnant, we are going to have you come in every other week to check on baby, ok?” the nurse smiled.

“we have to tell everyone!” rafe said, ecstatic as they got to the car. “they’re gonna be so happy. sarah is gonna be so excited.” 

him and sarah had figured things out after the death of their father. they were really close, and rafe finally accepted the pogues. 

“well we can tell them to meet up at the house, and we’ll tell them there!” y/n told him. 

rafe called sarah to bring her and her friends over tonight. 

 “what’s up, rafe?” sarah asked, concerned as she walked in the house, he friends piling after her. 

“y/n! they’re here!” rafe shouted upstairs. “it’s good, don’t worry.” 

sarah let out a sigh of relief at the good news. 

y/n hurried down the stairs, still careful not to fall, and rafe watched her, nervous. “slow down, babe. dont want you to fall.” he said, protectively.

“i wont” she giggled. she still grabbed onto the railing and rafe relaxed a little. “come, sit!” she led them to the living room to sit on the couch. 

“what’s wrong?” kiara asked, raising an eyebrow. 

the couple looked at each other and smiled. “your want to say it?” she whispered in his ear. he smiled in a really? way. she nodded and he looked backed over to the pogues.

“we’re pregnant!” he laughed. 

“oh my god! really?!?” sarah yelled hopping up and hugging y/n 

“yes!” she smiled, tears rolling down her eyes.

“when did you find out?” jj asked. jj was best friends with y/n when they were little. they’re still friends, but not as close. 

“a few weeks ago. we wanted to make sure before we told anyone.” rafe answered.

“congrats, guys!” john b said, patting y/n on the back as she wiped her tears. 

the cat was out of the bag. they didn’t need to worry about anyone finding out about the pregnancy if it didn’t work out. they had grown pretty close to their unborn baby. 

rafe had set up the nursery, sarah and y/n went to buy the baby clothes, they had a gender reveal party, (it’s a girl!) they threw a baby shower, everything the baby needed. 

y/ns belly had grown a lot, it was painful for her and not one day went without crying and throwing up, even after they were told it would get better. she had a meltdown over little stuff, but rafe didn’t let it bother him, considering she was carrying his baby and she couldn’t control the hormones that came with that. 

“do you want anything to eat?” rafe asked.

tears welled in y/ns eyes. “what’s wrong, babe?” he asked 

“i’m hungry b-but i don’t know what i want to eat.” she put her head in her hands.

“do you want a sandwich? i’ll go get you one.” 

“i want something sweet.” she never liked sweet stuff, but rafe wasn’t going to argue with her about that. 

“we have a watermelon. do you want me to cut it for you?” he asked. it took her a second to think, but then she nodded her head and looked at him. “i can do that. go head and put on something to watch.” 

he cut the watermelon and y/n was relaxed for about 5 minutes before she heard a curse from the kitchen. “FUCKIN SON OF A BITCH” 

“rafe?” she asked, sitting up and walking to the kitchen. she saw blood all over the kitchen, which made her nauseous. she ran to the bathroom to throw up while rafe had to deal with his bleeding finger. 

he ran it underwater and tried to save the watermelon, but there was no use. there was blood everywhere, even if it was just his finger. 

y/n came rushing back to the kitchen. “are you ok, babe?” she asked eagerly as she traced circles on his back while he washed his hand. 

“i just cut my finger, it’s alright.”

“why did it bleed so much?” she asked looking at the kitchen.

“it was deep, but it shouldn’t need stitches.” he looked at the still bleeding finger, and showed it to y/n.

“uhhh- that’s pretty deep. can we just go to the hospital? it’s making me nervous, it shouldn’t be that deep.” she told him. 

“i’m going to wrap it with this and then your gonna drive us and you will get stitches and we’ll get back.” 

rafe wasn’t going to argue with her, although he really wanted to. he drove them to the hospital and got it stitched up. 

they came back and cleaned the kitchen. they started making out. “do you want to?”rafe asked her. they were nervous to have sex while pregnant, but at this point,

both of them were basically helpless.

“yea” she gasped out as he led her to the bedroom. they still had a month until the baby would come. they went 7 months without having sex, they needed it with everything that happened the past few weeks. 

“how do you want to do this? i don’t know what’s comfortable for you.” rafe asked as she sat on the bed and he watched her and tried to come up with a plan. 

“idk just do what feels right and i’ll tell you if it hurts.” rafe layed down next to her and pulled down her shorts and panties and he pulled down his shorts and boxers, lifting his shirt over his head not long after. 

“do you want this off?” rafe asked as he tugged on her shirt. she shook her head “no” she didn’t like how she felt with out her shirt on while pregnant. 

rafe kissed all over the back of her neck and rubbed her back. he made his way down to her thighs and caressed them until she was wet enough. “your gonna tell me if it hurts?” he asked, leaning on his elbow to look at y/n in the face.”

“yes babe, i promise.” 

he lined himself up and slowly pushed in his nine inch cock. she was still really tight, even though she was growing a baby not to far ahead. 

he waited for her to nod until he started thrusting.  both let out moans. it relieved a lot of pressure for y/n, making her super pleased with the performance. “ooh keep going” she moaned as he picked up speed.

“oh fuck,” she whispered under her breath as her eyes rolled behind her head. 

“how’s that, babe? does it hurt or are you good?” he managed to say as he thrusted even faster.

“it’s good baby” she moaned out. “gonna come…” her legs started shaking and rafes thrusts got sloppier. he pulled out and finished with his hand. “thanks, babe” she said as she came down from her high.

“sure, babe.” rafe walked out and came back with a glass of water and a wet towel to clean y/n up. he helped her get dressed into comfy pajamas, and he changed into different boxers. “good night.” he kissed her forehead and her belly. 

about three more weeks went by of pure craziness. 

“babe, babe!” y/n whisper yelled as she hit rafes shoulder. 

“what” he asked groggily. rafe was never a morning person. 

“im having contractions, i need you to time them.” 

“ughhhh im sleeping tho.” 

she looked at him and hit him again. “just do it.” 

he timed them on his phone. “they are just getting longer. should we go?” he asked showing her the phone. “there like four minute apart. i think we should go.” he brought her to the car, and packed their gas into the car. 

“can i stop for a coffee?” rafe looked at her as he drove. 

“what the hell rafe! i’m in labor!” she yelled at him as she threw up the what the hell hands. 

he didn’t say anything and just drive past the dunkin. he called the hospital to get her a room. 

they got there and got led up to her room. they settled her into the bed as rafe held her hand. 

“i’m scared” she sobbed. “i don’t think i’m ready” rafe kissed her on the forehead. 

“it’ll be alright, i promise.” 

 a blonde doctor came in with a clipboard “hello, mr and mrs cameron! i’m going to be delivering your baby today!” she spoke as she walked in farther.

she checked y/ns heart beat and blood pressure. “i need you to relax a little. your heartbeat is going up, and so is baby’s. it’ll be alright, nothing bad is going to happen” the doctor reassured in a nice voice

“i think im going to have to break the water, it’s going to speed up labor and help your cervix dilate a little more.” the doctor announced. 

rafe held y/ns hand tighter, he could tell she was scared. 

“so this, is going into your parts and i’m going to find the amniotic sac, and poke it with this, and it’ll break your water. it might be uncomfortable, but i’ll make it fast.” 

the doctor stuck her two fingers and the tool in, as y/n whined at the pain. it popped and liquid spilled out, the nurses cleaned it up quickly. 

“now i can monitor baby more closely.” the doctor said patting y/n on the leg. 

her contractions grew more painful, rafe helped her through them. “can she get anything to help with the pain?” rafe asked the doctor, concerned for his wife, considering she has a super high pain tolerance. 

“we can give her an epidural, but there’s a line of people waiting.” the doctor told him as she checked y/ns heart again.

“do you want to to that, babe?” he asked pushing the hair out of her face. she nodded eagerly. rafe knew it must be bad if she wanted a shot. 

after an hour of painful contractions and waiting, she finally got the epidural. 

“how are you feeling, baby?” rafe asked, looking you in the eyes. 

“better” is all she could say. 

“it’s time to push, are you ready?” y/n nodded. “ok, dad. i’m going to need you to hold her leg up.”  rafe obliged and lifted her leg up, a nurse doing the same on the other side. “ok three, two, one push” the doctor told y/n. 

she yelled in pain as she tried to deliver the baby. rafes heart broke at the sound of her in so much pain and he couldn’t do anything about it. he pushed the hair out of her face as she kept pushing and crying. 

“i can’t do it” she yelled 

“yes you can, y/n. it’s only a little more.” the doctor told her. 

she continued to push with cry’s and screams. 

“i see her head, i see her head!” the doctor yelled as y/n kept pushing. 

“we’re almost there, babe!” rafe smiled to her.  

y/n felt a tear that caused even more pain, but as soon as she heard the baby cry, it was worth it. “you did it babe!” rafe cried to her. 

“dad, do you want to cut the umbilical cord?” the doctor handed him scissors to cut it. he smiled the whole time. 

they placed the baby on y/ns chest as the doctor delivered the placenta and stitched her up. “how long is she going to cry?” rafe asked the doctor. 

“she’s probably hungry, but most likely your supply hasn’t come in yet. you can feed her once it does, but that could be a while. just try to rock her and hold her, she’ll calm down.”

y/n scooted over so rafe could squeeze in with her and the baby. “what are we gonna name her?” rafe asked smiling down at the baby.

“ do you like blake?” y/n asked.

“perfect. blake cameron. can i pick the middle name?” rafe asked.

“yes”

“blake isabel cameron.”

“i love it.” 

sarah and the pogues came to the hospital to meet the baby. 

after a few days at the hospital, they could go home.

“this is your home, baby!” y/n whispered as she brought blake into the house. 

she handed her over to rafe to carry her upstairs. “this is your room!” rafe sat down in the rocking chair with his baby, admiring the work he got done on the nursery. “this is perfect,” he said smiling at blake and his wife. “ all i have ever wanted is right here, thank you babe” he kissed y/n on the forehead and rocked baby blake isabel cameron to sleep.

[katsu28]

Hi! For the flower ask could I request lily of the valley with Jamie x f!reader? I was thinking something like reader revealing to Jamie that they are pregnant? If you’re not feeling that I always love a seemingly sad prompt turned happy! I also loved this prompt list and could request 100 more if you want 😂😂♥️♥️

i had such a great time with this pls request as much as you want, i would be honored to write them <3

lily of the valley: a tear, followed by a sob, jamie tartt x reader, mentions of pregnancy ofc, 1.6k

You were trying so hard not to freak out right now. 

You’d been feeling like absolute shit the past week or so, but just chalked it up to having some bad takeout, or that you’d finally caught that pesky flu that’d been going around this time of year. It wasn’t until your period hadn’t come when it was supposed to that the idea you could possibly be pregnant dawned upon you, but when it finally did, you rushed to the nearest pharmacy to buy a boatload of pregnancy tests. 

Now you were here, sat on the closed toilet lid in your bathroom, waiting until the agonizingly long five minutes were up. 

It was hard not to jump to conclusions, but god, you really were doing your best. Having a baby would change every aspect of your lives. You didn't know if you were ready for that. But you also didn't know if you weren’t ready for it. You wouldn't know unless it actually happened but if you really were pregnant, there was no taking that back. Having a baby was a forever thing. With Jamie. 

Yeah, the whole not jumping to conclusions thing really wasn’t working out very well for you this far. 

Your phone timer went off before you could dig yourself into a deeper hole and you squeezed your eyes shut when you’d made your way to the counter where the blue and white test sat, looking seemingly innocent. It seemed strange how such a tiny stick would tell you whether or not your life and Jamie’s would change forever. 

Exhaling a long, calming breath, you peeked at it with one eye, then both. 

Three lines, clear as day. Positive.

You took two more in quick succession right after just to be sure—different brands too, just to make double sure. Two more positives. You were definitely pregnant. 

How were you going to tell Jamie? He was at the height of his football career, and even though you’d been together a long while, you hadn’t even really had that huge next step conversation about starting a family. Hell, you weren’t even sure if he wanted kids—not with what he’d been through with his own father. Of course, Jamie would never turn out like his dickhead dad, but you knew he’d be worried about it. 

On the other hand, starting a family with Jamie sounded amazing. You’d get to have a kid that was a perfect blend of him and yourself, someone to love and nurture and watch grow into their own person. They’d have the best parts of Jamie, the best parts of you, and every time you’d look at them you’d get to cherish this human being you’d created together. 

The sound of the front door closing in the distance pulled you from your spiraling thoughts and you quickly hid the tests in the cupboard, splashing some water on your face. You didn’t feel normal by a long shot, but planned to act like so until you could truly process the new information. It still felt unreal. 

Jamie was rummaging around in the fridge when you finally gathered the confidence to leave the bathroom, humming to himself until he heard you enter the kitchen. “Hey, d’you know if we have any more eggs, or are we out? I could run to the shops really quick if we need stuff.” 

“Um, we should still have a few, I think,” You mumbled, trying your best to keep your voice as level as you could. You must not have done as good of a job as you wanted, because he straightened up immediately, swinging the door shut to look at you. When he saw you standing there looking less than happy, he was across the room in an instant, holding you at arms’ length to scan you for any injuries or differences in your appearance, anything that could tell him why you looked like you’d seen a ghost. 

“Whoa. What’s wrong?”

You shook your head, inhaling a deep breath before trying to force a smile. “Nothing, I’m fine, I promise I’m fine.” 

“Don’t look fine to me.” He frowned, rubbing his hands down your arms. “Looks like you’ve got something on your mind. C’mon, lemme have it. Talk to me, love.” 

You weren’t sure if it was the way he knew you so well he could tell something was off with just one look, or if it was the pregnancy hormones already kicking in (did they even kick in this early??? You couldn’t have been more than a couple weeks pregnant at this point), but you couldn’t help it. 

A tear rolled down your cheek, and before you knew it you were sobbing, burying yourself against Jamie’s chest. He mumbled a soft ‘oh fuck’ but wrapped his arms around you despite his total confusion, pressing his nose into your hair and shuffling over to the sofa so he could hold you as tight as he could. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but he knew whatever it was, you’d deal with it together. 

“Sorry, I just—god, I’m sorry, you’re probably tired and I’m—I’m…I don’t know.” You sniffled, wiping under your eyes with the sleeve of your jumper. You pulled away from him with a shaky sigh, putting your head in your hands. 

Jamie shook his head profusely, scrambling to kneel down in front of you. “Fuck that, why’re you cryin’?” He asked, concerned etched into his features. He took hold of your elbows, gently prying your arms away from your face so he could see you properly. “Did that cranky old sod from a few houses over come over to yell at you about the garden again? I swear to fuckin’ god—” 

“I’m pregnant.” You blurted, deciding to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. 

Jamie’s mouth snapped shut instantly. He blinked owlishly at you. “You—wait, wait. You’re…” 

“Pregnant.”

“You’re pregnant.” He repeated, wide eyes darting down to your midriff, then back up to your gaze. “Right now? How—how long?” 

“I don’t know. Four, five weeks, maybe? I just—I know it’s not something we planned for, and—and Richmond’s doing super well and you’ve got your whole career ahead of you and I get it if you don’t wanna be saddled with a kid—” Jamie took hold of your fidgeting hands, although his were quite shaky as well. He didn’t say anything for a while, but you suspected it was more for utter shock and a lack of words rather than disappointment like the fear you’d had in the back of your head this whole time. 

“Don’t even think like that. M’not going anywhere—wouldn’t even dream about it.” He said finally, looking you right in the eye. He looked determined. Steadfast. “Whatever I have to do, whatever we have to do, I’ll do it. We’ll do it. Everything’s gonna go just fine.” 

“How are you so calm right now?” You asked quietly, running a hand through his hair. 

Jamie leaned into your touch on instinct, turning his head to kiss your palm gently. “M’not calm. Feels like my heart’s about to burst out me chest, I’m so happy. But it don't really seem like I should be yellin’ and shit right now—not til you’ve wiped those tears from your eyes.” He replied, reaching out to swipe away the tear tracks from your cheeks on his own. “Can I—can I talk to them? The baby.” 

“Sure, love.” You smiled at him warmly and he nodded, suddenly looking a little nervous as he settled himself right next to your stomach. You were pretty sure the baby was only the size of a seed right now, but the thought of Jamie wanting to talk to them made your own heart swell. You suspected it would be something he’d do throughout your entire pregnancy. 

“Erm…hi, I guess. I’m your dad. I don’t—I don’t really know what to say to you because I don’t think you’ve quite got any ears yet, but…I want you to know that I promise to always be here for you and to love you no matter what,” He murmured, rubbing his fingers against your skin. He hesitated for a few beats, and you knew he was thinking about his own father. How he never wanted to become like James. How he would never want to put your child through what he went through.

How he wanted to break the cycle and create a better one—a life filled with love and joy, never fear and resentment. 

You felt another tear roll down your cheek, and another, and then you were sniffling back another round of sobs, making Jamie’s eyes fly to your face. “Oh shit, I made your mum cry again—fuck, I ain’t supposed to say shit, ain’t I? I’ll get better at this once you get here, yeah? But until then, have fun inside your mum. I know I did.” 

That earned him a shove to the side of the head, but he still grinned, dropping a kiss to your stomach before pushing himself back to sit cross-legged next to you. “Was that good? I think I smashed it.” 

You let out a watery chuckle, dabbing at your waterline with your sleeve again. “It was perfect.” 

“Can I yell ‘bout it now?” 

“Have a go.” 

“We’re havin’ a baby! We’re havin’ a fuckin’ baby!!!” He cheered, jumping onto the couch next to you. You couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped your lips at his antics. He was happy and you’d never been so relieved to see him that way. 

Jamie pumped his fist into the air a few times before dropping to his knees and leaning in to kiss you, nearly missing your mouth in his now unleashed excitement. “I love you, darlin’. I love you with everythin’ I’ve got, and I love our kid just as much. Even if they are just a clump of cells right now. And everything that comes next, we’ll figure it out. The season, the training, all that shit, we’ll figure it out together.” 

“Together.” You echoed, giving his hand a tight squeeze.

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[lovebeinaprincessworld]

Possibilities - Five

(Felix Volturi x reader)

Masterlist

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5

Second to last part! Important Info: The vampire children don’t age as quickly as in the books in my fanfic, because i hate that Renesmee is grown after a year, like she needs a childhood it’s weird!

Description: Coming back from your honeymoon, Bella has some unbelievable news that also effect you.

Warnings: Angst, blood, talks about abortion, pregnancy, gore (Birth scene)

5987 words

The moment you stepped into the castle you were enveloped by two thin but strong arms. „I’m so glad you’re back!“, Heidi smiled at you and you almost got a little emotional when you realized you started having real friends here, even while still being human. „We were only gone for a week“, you laughed and the both of you followed Felix as he carried your luggage to your room, „but I’m glad to be back too.“

„What did I miss?“, you started ascending the stairs to your floor. „Not much“, Heidi answered, „oh we have a new secretary.“ You grimaced a little, knowing exactly what that meant. „But tell me about Switzerland!“, she tried to change the topic, stepping into yours and Felix room after you.

„I’ll let the masters know we’re back safe amore mio“, Felix smiled, kissing your cheek softly and closing the door behind him on the way out. Heidi pulled you to the couch and you know what the look she gave you meant. „It was great“, you grinned a little flustered, and judging by her smirk she knew exactly what you meant.

„So you said yes? And he said yes too?“, she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at the end making you giggle. „Yes I did and yes he did…multiple times“, you grinned and showed her the ring and she smiled, „did you know he was going to propose?“ She rolled her eyes dramatically and put your hand back down. „Everyone knew, he couldn’t shut up about it with Demetri and naturally everyone heard“, she laughed and you shook your head in amusement.

„Can you do me a favor Heidi?“, you made sure the door was shut before telling her. „Of course, you okay?“, she looked a little concerned. „I have been feeling kind of weird the last few days, don’t know maybe I caught the flu or something but I don’t want Felix to worry. Could you run to the pharmacy for me later? Felix would for sure freak out if he would come buying medicine with me“, you rolled your eyes and she giggled at the thought of the big bad executioner fussing over his sick mate.

„Yeah sure, I need to meet Aro in ten minutes but after that, I’ll run to the pharmacy for you!“, she got up and squeezed your shoulder. „Thanks a lot“, you nodded. „Of course, make sure you rest a little!“, she grinned before she was gone. Sighing you sank into the sofa, finally being able to not act as if you are perfectly well. You hadn’t been able to sleep very the last days. Your stomach being a little upset and you carefully rubbed it when you noticed it was acting up again.

You thought it would go away, but suddenly you felt the bile rise in your throat and jumped up, thankfully making it to the toilet in time. Shit, you probably really caught the flu or ate something bad, damn. After brushing your teeth, you laid down on the couch, spotting your bag and you decided to check your phone. There hadn’t been any reception up in the mountains and you didn’t take it out on the way here. Maybe your cousin had some news about her honeymoon.

And damn she seemed to have a lot to say, you had several missed calls not only from her but the whole Cullen family and about a billion text messages. ‚Call me as fast as you can!‘ Now you were seriously worried. You immediately sat back up and called her, your heart speeding up at all the horrible scenarios running through your mind. „(Y/N)? Thank god you finally called back!“, she sounded exhausted and extremely worried.

„Yeah we were on vacation and I didn’t…Bella is everything alright? You okay?“, you asked with a frown on your face. „Yes and no…are you alone? Can anyone hear you?“, she asked and you were wondering what the hell was going on. „Yes I’m alone! Can you please tell me what’s going on?“, you were getting antsy. „Okay before I tell you I need to ask you something“, she was still being ominous, and you could hear some rustling before Edwards voice came through the phone.

„What she’s trying to ask is: Have you and Felix been having sex?“, you were momentarily stunned by the annoyed and cold edge Edwards voice had, wondering what the hell was going on in Forks. And you were also stunned by the question itself. „Uhm…what?“, you stuttered around uncertainly. „(Y/N)“, Edward had a sense of urgency in his voice that gave you the chills, „answer the question.“

„Yeah we had sex last week“, you blushed furiously but told him nonetheless. God this was weird. „Shit“, he cursed and there was rustling again. „(Y/N) this is Carlisle“, yet another voice came through the phone and you were freaking out. „Carlisle what the hell is going on here“, your voice was shaking and you were anxiously grabbing onto the pillow in your lap. „Have you been feeling sick the past few days?“, he asked and your heart sank. How could he possibly know that.

„Yes“, you whispered, not being able to form more words. „Okay I need you to listen to me carefully right now“, he started and the more he explained the paler you got.

————————

After you hung up with the Cullens you sat in silence for a few minutes trying to calm your racing heart. Pregnant? You still couldn’t wrap your head around how this could’ve possibly happened. Vampires weren’t supposed to be able to procreate. But from what you were told, a very pregnant Bella and a possibly pregnant You were the evidence. And it didn’t seem to be a safe and easy pregnancy either.

Taking a deep breath you reminded yourself that you couldn’t even be sure if you actually were pregnant too, Carlisle told you to ask one of the Vampires in the coven to listen for a heartbeat - or get a pregnancy test, but that would take longer. But who on earth would you ask? You knew Felix and you knew that if he would find out how dangerous the pregnancy would be, he would probably want you to get rid of the baby, he would never risk your life.

But you weren’t sure that’s what you wanted. You had always wanted a family, but after meeting and falling for Felix you knew that wasn’t an option so you had accepted that, content with it just being the two of you for eternity. Actually having a real opportunity to have a child with him now? It felt more like a miracle than the curse Carlisle described it as. And considering Bella didn’t get rid of her baby either, she seemed to think the same.

So you needed to have someone on your side before telling Felix, and the one person that came to mind right now was Heidi. Hopefully you could catch her before she left for the pharmacy - you probably didn’t need the flu medication anymore anyway. Trying to calm your racing heart and trembling hands, you slowly stood up and stepped out into the corridor.

Your mind was racing with all the things that could and probably would happen in the next few days, while simultaneously trying to find Heidi in the maze this castle was. But that train of thought was suddenly interrupted when you encountered Jane. You two weren’t crazy close, but she was nicer to you than to most other people. „(Y/N)? You don’t look good, are you alright?“, she asked and you knew if it was bad enough for her to pick up on, it was bad.

„I’m-“, you started but your voice gave in and you could feel her grip your arm and lead you to a room nearby, sitting you down on the couch there. „Do you want me to get water or something?“, she asked, clearly unsure of how to handle a human that seems sick. „No, no it’s fine…Jane can you do me a favor?“, you needed to know if you were pregnant, you couldn’t wait for Heidi.

„Sure“, she nodded, but she seemed a little perplexed. „Jane I…got a call from Bella earlier“, you started, not really sure how to explain this situation. Jane just looked at you in a way that said she couldn’t give less fucks about your cousin. „Bella is pregnant, and before you say something“, you stopped her when she openend her mouth, „the Cullens are one hundred percent sure it’s Edwards. Trust me I asked that.“

„But that’s not possible“, she said after a few moments. „I thought so too, but the way Carlisle and Edward talked about it convinced me…I mean that and I experience…“, you took a deep breath, „I experience the same symptoms Bella did in the beginning.“ Jane stared at you blankly for a few moments.

„You’re pregnant? And it’s Felix’s?“, she asked when she managed to wrap her head around what was happening. „I actually don’t know yet and that’s why I’ve asked you for a favor…Jane can you hear a second heartbeat?“, you reluctantly asked, you would label the both of you as something close to friends, but you still weren’t sure how this would play out.

She stared at you with those deep red eyes for a moment longer before they dropped to your stomach and she concentrated. „There is a second heartbeat“, she announced after a few moments, her normally cold and controlled mask cracking a little in shock and wonder. You on the other hand didn’t know how to feel, you were happy on one side and excited but also scared shitless of this dangerous pregnancy and the reactions of the others.

„Shit“, you mumbled, a hand automatically resting on your still flat stomach. „This is crazy“, Jane said, taking an unnecessary breath. „Jane, can you…I need someone to be on my side“, you whispered, „Carlisle told me if I want to keep this baby, it will be a dangerous pregnancy. They didn’t give me too much details but they said Bella isn’t doing well and if I am pregnant I should go to Forks as fast as possible.“

Jane always picking up on more than you thought, knew what you meant. „You think he will want you to get rid of the baby“, she stated and you nodded meekly. „I just need someone to back me up“, you admitted already stressed about telling Felix. „You’re my friend, of course I will be on your side“, she told you and you smiled when she said you were friends. „Thanks Jane“, you squeezed her cold hand for a moment before sighing.

„We should probably tell Heidi too, and let her know she doesn’t have to go to the pharmacy for me - it’s not the flu after all“, you told Jane and she agreed. The two of you thought it would be best that she’d go searching for Heidi and you would wait for Felix in your room - gathering the courage to tell him what you thought was a blessing, and what you anticipated he would think of as a curse.

—————————

„Mia cara, forgive me for taking so long“, you winced a little when he suddenly appeared in the room. The smile you gave him didn’t seem to convince him, because he sat down next to you with an unhappy frown. „What’s wrong?“, he pulled you into his arms, so you were sitting next to him in his embrace. And for the first time since you accepted your bond, you weren’t entirely sure this was the best place to be for telling news with the seriousness of yours.

You gently kissed his jaw, his arms pulling you into him a little tighter and you took a deep breath. „Felix there’s something I have to tell you“, you started and he brushed some hair out of your face in concern, listening intently. „You know you can tell me everything“, he reassured you, taking your hand and kissing it softly.

“I got a call from Bella”, you said with a shaky voice, “and…no one knows how, but…but she’s pregnant.” The confusion on his face was obvious. “It’s Edwards”, you added, and he shook his head in denial. “What? Edward can’t…”, he started, but the serious look in your eyes made him pause, “it’s not…it’s not possible. It can’t be…right?”

You were silent for another moment, giving him the time to process it. “Carlisle doesn’t know how, but he is sure that Bella is carrying Edwards child”, you whispered, the arm that embraced you was tense, and Felix face was frozen. He seemed to realize where you were going, his eyes wandering to your stomach in shock.

The silence was palpable for a few moments, before he closed his eyes and took a deep, unnecessary breath. “You’re…”, he stopped, not able to make his mouth form the word. “Pregnant”, you finished, unsure what he would think. He didn’t even know the pregnancy would be incredibly dangerous, but maybe he didn’t want a child at all. He gave up on that millennia ago, and what if he didn’t even like kids? God, you were a nervous wreck.

“Say something”, you pleaded, your nerves slowly getting the best of you, your eyes filling with tears. He opened his eyes when you spoke, his hand immediately cradling your cheek when he saw your wet eyes. “I’m sorry amore, it’s just…a lot to wrap my head around”, he sighed, kissing your forehead in comfort, “for two millennia I haven’t thought about ever…” He let the sentence hang in the air.

“I’m…suprised, but I’m happy”, he smiled a little and seemed less tense, but when you didn’t match his positive reaction, instead looking guilty, he frowned again. “There’s more”, he realized, his expression sobering up in a second and he went rigid again, “tell me.” You sighed, closing your eyes for a second before biting the bullet. “Bella’s really…sick”, your voice was quiet, but you were sure he heard you anyway, “they wouldn’t tell me exactly what’s going on, but they…”, you broke off, swallowing dryly.

“Tell me”, he urged you worriedly, the crease between his brows marring his otherwise perfect face. You were speechless, not knowing how to tell him or how he would react. Your silence seemed to imply how bad it really was. “Tell. Me.”, his eyes got darker and his voice deeper, his anger and fear of losing you obvious. “They said she might not make it”, you whispered, and that seemed to be the last straw, because suddenly he wasn’t next to you anymore, and the coffee table was thrown against the opposite wall, breaking into a thousand pieces.

Your tears finally spilled over, and quicker than you could see Heidi and Jane were standing in the room between you and Felix. “You need to calm down Felix”, Heidi told him, your angry mate throwing around more furniture in rage, making you gasp. “Felix!”, Janes sharp voice cut through the room, “you’re scaring her.”

That made him pause, his back to you, but he was still incredibly upset. “We need to tell the masters as soon as possible, so we can get her to the Cullens - she needs Carlisle”, Heidi tried to rationalize and Felix seemed to agree. “Yes you’re right, he needs to get rid of the baby”, his voice had an edge to it you hadn’t heard before and you shivered.

“Felix wait, please”, you finally found your voice again, still upset that this has played out exactly as bad as you thought it would. “What’s there to wait for? We need to get you to Forks”, he didn’t meet your eyes, didn’t even turn in your direction. “Felix I…I want to keep the baby”, you whispered, kind off glad that Jane and Heidi were there.

It was silent for a moment, and then he turned around, the pain in his eyes when he met your teary gaze, made your heart hurt. “I won’t lose you”, his voice was firm, his eyes hard and then he was gone. “That couldn’t have gone any worse”, you sighed, sinking back into the couch and hoping for the best.

—————————

When you arrived in the throne room, it seemed the kings and everyone else in the guard were already informed by Felix - considering the way they were eyeing you suspiciously. You were glad for Heidi and Jane walking next to you. “Dear (Y/N)”, Aro was grinning the way he always did when he was excited, “we heard rather impossible news.”

“It’s true”, you said, your voice shaky and you were sure the vampires could see that you had cried previously, “Carlisle told me Bella is in the same condition, just further along, and Jane and Heidi confirmed I’m…pregnant.” It felt weird saying it out loud infront of them. The kings, Felix, Demetri, Alec, Santiago and Renata were there and you felt exposed.

“Yes, we can hear the heartbeat”, Caius seemed unhappy, “but that doesn’t confirm it is fathered by Felix.” That moment was the only time you wished Aro could read your thoughts, just to confirm your were telling the truth. “I didn’t…I would never…”, you couldn’t even say it, much less ever do it. You would never cheat on Felix. “Now, now Caius. Don’t accuse her of something like that”, Aro tutted and smiled at you, which wasn’t really comforting. Felix was standing next to Demetri with a stoic look on his face.

“Let me call Carlisle, hear what he is saying. And you should go pack already”, Aro announced, “We will take the jet in the evening, Demetri, Jane, Alec, Santiago and myself will come.” You just nodded, the nausea from the pregnancy, the fight with your mate and the whole situation just exhausted you. Heidi grabbed your elbow to guide you to your room, when suddenly Marcus spoke up. “I will come too”, his voice as unused and emotionless as always, but it cut through the air like a knife and made everybody go still. “Alright. Caius will stay here, and manage everything”, Aro agreed after a moment of surprise.

You were wondering briefly why Marcus wanted to come, but Heidi was already stirring you away from the scene, probably to help you pack. She knew you were in no condition to do that. Felix stayed behind, and maybe it was better to give the situation some rest.

He watched you leave the room, his face a stoic mask, but his thoughts all over the place in panic. He couldn’t lose you, he only just found you. He was sure it was his child you were pregnant with, he trusted you and wasn’t the least bit worried you cheated. And while the thought of you carrying his child made him excited, the risk it brought killed the joy in his heart instantly. “What is it Felix?”, Aro saw the way his eyes were looking at you in pain rather than joy.

Felix turned around after a moment, not being able to say it out loud, say how you could die if you decided to keep the baby. So he held his hand out for Aro to take, the mind reading vampire not hesitating. “That’s rather unfortunate”, Aro sighed and Felix squeezed his eyes shut in agony for a moment, “it seems that if our dear (Y/N) decides to keep the baby, it is quiet possible that she will not make it.” Demetris face fell a little, feeling worried about his best friend - and about you, who had also become dear to him.

——————————

You were sunk into a big chair in the jet, hiding in the corner of the cabin. The others were at the front, just Jane sitting with you. You were trying to let the constant humming of the machine lull you to sleep, but you weren’t feeling your best and you were missing your mate. You didn’t want to pressure him, and you did understand why he was so angry, but you still missed him.

You had had such a perfect honeymoon and now that bubble had burst, you thought with a few silent tears running down your face, staring out the airplane window. It was mostly dark in the cabin, so you were confident no one saw your tears, but Jane gently grabbed your hand, squeezing it reassuringly. You looked over a little blushing, and your breath hitched when you saw Felix standing there.

Your eyes jumped to Jane who smiled a little, letting go of your hand and giving her seat to Felix, who sat down next to you silently. He was carrying a blanket, and lifted up the armrest seperating the both of you, before spreading the blanket and finally meeting your eyes in expectation. New tears welled up in your eyes when you realized he wanted you in his arms, the thought of him still trying to make sure you’re okay even while being angry with you made you even more sure this mate thing definitely picked the right one for you.

You gently scooted over into his embrace, and he immediately wrapped you in the blanket, pulling you tightly into his chest, your head in his neck and you felt like you could finally relax your tense muscles. There were no words exchanged between you too, you knew he was still angry, but you also knew he loved you. That was enough for now.

——————————

It felt weird, driving through the once familiar town that you left behind. You would’ve thought that it would ignite some kind of longing or sadness, but the only thing you felt was fondness for the memories you made there, happy with your new life in Italy. You were sitting next to Felix, who was still holding your hand but you two hadn’t talked since your fight in Volterra. God, you hoped Carlisle had news for you that helped you calm your mate down.

The car turned onto the familiar sideroad to the Cullen house and eventhough you knew Bella was really weak, you were still happy to see everyone again. Felix helped you out of the car, the others already standing neatly organized and perfectly still infront of the house. He protectively wrapped an arm around your waist and wanted to lead you to the others, but the door opening stopped you.

“Alice!”, you smiled and walked up to the door before anyone could try to stop you, your mate grumbling unhappily behind you. “(Y/N)”, you could tell she was nervous because of the Volturi, but she greeted you warmly anyway, embracing you before Carlisle joined her at the entry.

Suddenly Aro was standing next to you, Alice pulling you to the side gently. “Hello Aro, it’s been a while”, Carlisle greeted his old acquaintance with a polite smile.

“Carlisle”, Aro nodded and held out his hand immediately, making Carlisle reach out without hesitation. “So it’s true”, Aro was in awe, looking between the two Cullens with wide eyes. “It is”, Alice said a little coldly, your eyes meeting your mates, who looked even unhappier.

Felix didn’t like the way you were standing so far away from him, his protective instincts dialed up even more now that you were carrying his child - he still couldn’t believe it, his child. “Why don’t you come inside, there is a lot we need to talk about”, Carlisle stepped aside to let them in and Felix suddenly smelled the Shapeshifter. He was at your side in an instant, holding your waist possessively.

“There’s one of the dogs”, Demetri growled in his stead, the others not looking to happy either, except Marcus who looked as lethargic as ever. “Jacob’s here?”, you were surprised, after Bella married Edward it seemed that he wouldn’t be willing to stick around anymore. “Yes, there is some trouble with the pack and he decided to…stand up for Bella”, Carlisle led you up the stairs and into the big living room, where Rosalie and Jake were blocking your view of Bella.

The other Cullens were also standing in the room, greeting you with a smile. “(Y/N)?”, a weak Bella asked from behind her guards who reluctantly stepped aside when she asked them to. You tried to hide your shock behind a soft smile, approaching your Cousin and sitting next to her carefully.

She looked like death to be honest, and from glancing at the Volturi they were nearly as shocked as you. Felix looked pained and you knew it was because of what he thought would happen to you too. “I missed you”, you said, instead of asking her how she was - which would’ve been a stupid question. “Missed you too”, she smiled a little, taking your hand in hers, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Would you follow me into my office?”, Carlisle interrupted the moment and you squeezed Bella’s hand once more before standing up again and followed the Volturi into Carlisle’s study, catching a glimpse of a tortured looking Edward in the corner. So he blamed himself too, just like Felix. Your mate was once again holding your waist, as if leaving you out of his sight would make you disappear.

Once the door was closed and everyone was settled, Carlisle started to explain what they knew, which wasn’t much. “We didn’t know it could happen, but it did. And we still don’t know much more, neither the ultrasound nor needles or anything else can penetrate the uterus safely. We only know it grows rapidly, draining Bella. It is already stronger than any human - It’s breaking her ribs. Just two days ago we had the idea that it probably needs blood, which Bella is drinking and it helps a bit, but she’s already too far for it to make any real difference. She’s so weak and the fetus so strong that we don’t know if she will make it - I’m not sure the venom could save her.”

The grip Felix had on you was tense and rigid, the silence in the room deafening. “This is all very extraordinary”, Marcus said and you couldn’t even really be shocked by him being the first one to say anything. “I’m glad you got here so quick. If you want to keep the baby I hope starting to drink blood immediately will help, because in theory the fetus won’t drain you as much. But if you don’t want to-“, Carlisle added, but you interrupted him.

“I want to keep it”, you said, you were sure it would be alright if you started with the blood early. This was your only chance to have a baby of your own, you would regret it forever if you didn’t try. This was your choice, a choice every woman should have and you would decide to keep the baby.

„Okay“, Carlilse looked a little pitying, nodding and stating that he needed to at least examine you, even if the ultrasound couldn’t show anything. So you followed him to another room, Felix only following you when you looked at him with a questioning look. You felt horrible for being the reason for his tortured expression.

After feeling your abdomen and asking a few questions, Carlilse gave Felix and you a moment alone, telling you to come to the kitchen after to get a cup of blood. God, that sounded so weird. „Say something, tell me what you’re thinking“, you whispered gripping his hand gently. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.

„I did this to you“, he finally answered, making your heart hurt. „You didn’t do anything to me Felix. It takes two people, and I know you don’t see it that way right now…but this seems more like a miracle than a curse“, you spoke quietly, not wanting this to turn into a fight again. „You’re right, this isn’t a curse, it’s worse. I’m going to lose you (Y/N)“, you were sure if he could cry he would, and you pressed your hand to his cheek.

„You won’t, okay? If I started drinking blood right away, I won’t get as bad as Bella, and I can make it“, you reassured him. „I hope you’re right mia cara…I hope you’re right“, he sighed and pulled you into his arms. „You…you won’t leave right?“, you whispered, just because you wanted to keep the baby doesn’t mean you weren’t scared, and you needed him to be with you through this.

He pulled back with a look of shock on his face. „(Y/N) I would never leave you. You’re my mate, my wife, I love you and nothing will ever change that. I might not agree with your decision entirely - don’t get me wrong having a child with you would be great if it wasn’t for the high risk - but I will stand with you through it all Love“, he promised making you just nod and bury your head in his chest. „I love you too“, you whispered, his cold lips leaving a soft kiss on your head.

————————————

Carlilse handed you the cup of blood and you eyed it warily, Bella already drinking hers, but most of the vampires in the room (the ones that could handle the blood) were watching your reaction. Felix was sitting next to you, Demetri trying to hide his humorous expression and Jane and Alec looking at you with genuine curiosity. They had never seen a human drink blood before, and even the Masters and Santiago were intrigued.

This was so weird, drinking blood that came out of someone else gave you a quirky feeling your stomach, but before you could think too much about it, you took a sip and forced down the gulp of cold thick liquid. It tasted really metallic and you were shocked at how easily Bella could drink that, maybe because she was further along in her pregnancy.

„That’s…disgusting“, you grimaced and looked at your cousin, a few of the vampires chuckling, „how can you drink that?“ It was more a rhetoric question, your cousin rolling her eyes with a smile before continuing her drink. You thought for a moment, before deciding the best plan of action. „Okay I’m gonna pretend I’m at a party and have to chug this“, you took of the lid, the deep red liquid sloshing inside the cup and took a deep breath, before chugging the cup in record time.

„That was…impressive“, Demetri grinned, and you wiped the corners of your mouth, shuddering a little because of the aftertaste. „How do you know how to chug like that? You’re not even 21 yet“, Felix asked, Bella and you exchanging looks and giggling quietly. „How do you feel (Y/N)?“, Carlilse asked, fondly rolling his eyes at you and Bella, and gave you a once over. „Not much different“, you shrugged and suppressed a yawn. The time difference was making you tired, it would’ve been the middle of the night already in Volterra.

„You need some sleep amore“, Felix brushed a piece of your hair back before taking your hand and pulling you up. „Alright“, you yawned, „Good night!“ Bella waved and Rosalie helped her up too, she needed all the rest she could get.

——————————

It was chaos. The pack didn’t back down from the fight even with the Volturi there. You pleaded with them not to kill the Pack and were now holding Bella’s hand who was in Labour, with a broken spine. All of this looked like something straight out of a horror movie. Because Aro, Marcus, Jane and Alec were out hunting with Carlilse and Esme, you were a bit understaffed and now Alice and Rosalie couldn’t handle the blood and had to go. So it was only Edward, Jacob and you left - Felix, Demetri and Santiago fighting outside.

You just hoped Felix was alright, but your thoughts were interrupted, when Edward tore open Bella’s stomach, holding a small baby in his arms. Like, an actual cute little baby - and you were partly relieved that there wasn’t something weird growing inside of you. The baby started screaming and Edward smiled, a rare sight these days. „It’s Renesmee“, he told Bella, and you gently and excitedly squeezed her hand. You were an aunt, you thought with a smile.

„Beautiful“, Bella whispered, and Edward carefully placed the baby in her fragile arms, so that she could hold her daughter. But suddenly it seemed like the vampire part of the baby came through, and she bit Bella with her small teeth, making Jacob worry and Edward take Renesmee back.

And then she stopped moving. „Bella?“, Jacob was immediately at her other side. „Bella!“, you shook her shoulder, willing her to move, but she didn’t and your heart dropped to your already slightly rounded stomach. „Bella!“, Jacob called out, starting CPR and you let go of her hand in horror. What if she really didn’t make it? You hadn’t even seriously entertained the possibility of her dying - or, for a matter of fact, you. You thought Edward could save her with her venom, but maybe this situation was too bad already.

„Jacob, take the baby“, Edward looked panicked, the helplessness radiating off of him. „Keep that away from me“, Jacob seethed, continuing compressions and you snapped out of your stupor. „I’ll take her“, you whispered but Edward heard you nonetheless. „Don’t worry I’ll watch the teeth“, you reassured him and took your niece out of his arms, and settled her in yours.

You saw him take out a big needle filled with what was probably his venom, and left the room before you saw him ram it into Bella’s heart. Your heart couldn’t take seeing your cousin like that, and your niece needed you. You sat down in a chair in the living room, trying your best to clean the cute baby with the towel she was wrapped in, before taking the blanket from the couch and gently wrapping her in it.

She seemed more comfortable now, her crying stopping and her pretty brown eyes staring up at you. She didn’t try to bite you, but you were still careful while stroking her small nose. „I really hope your mommy makes it baby“, you sighed, refusing to fall into grief just yet, maybe she would make it.

——————————

„He really imprinted on her?“, Felix looked a bit weirded out when you were finally laying in bed in the early morning hours. „It’s how it works with the pack“, you shrugged cuddling further into him and hugging the warm water bottle close to you that canceled out his cold. Now that you were pregnant you seemed more sensitive to temperature.

„Mhm“, he was in thought, absentmindedly stroking your ever growing belly and you couldn’t help but smile. It seemed like drinking a lot of blood early on really helped, Carlilse said you were way healthier than Bella was at this point. „Can you still hear her heartbeat?“, you asked, and you had to give him that - eventhough you asked about the twentieth time since you layed down - he still answered you nicely.

„Yes“, he whispered, kissing the top of your head, when suddenly the baby moved. „Woah“, you were wide awake again, pressing a hand to your belly, and feeling another movement. „Did you feel that?“, you were looking at Felix with wide eyes and he matched your expression. „That’s…our baby“, he said quietly, looking at your stomach, his big cold hand covering it. „Yeah“, you sighed with a smile, settling down into his embrace again as gently kissing his neck.

„I never thought I would ever…get the chance to have children“, he admitted, and you laid down your smaller hand on top of his bigger one, urging him to continue. „If the blood is helping you stay healthy, and this isn’t going to be as bad as Bella and I risk losing you, I…I can see why you think it is a miracle“, he whispered, hope shimmering in his previously pained eyes. You said nothing, pulling him closer and kissing him softly, and praying that your cousin would make it.

================

Sooo second to last part! Hope you liked it, hope it made sense and I would really really appreciate some feedback - always helps getting me motivated to write, since I’m such a slow writer :]

[bts-0t-7]

Next Chapter

Pair: Taehyung x F Reader 

Summary: You missed two cycles. Not that it wasn’t common for you but you felt like it was much more than just that. So, keeping it a secret from Tae, you went to a doctor to solidify your doubts. And no doubt, it was happy news to bring back home. 

Genre: Fluff, Idolxreader, established relationship, wifey reader, married couple au, a little bit of suggestive themes (but we aren’t doing that today, yeah?), pregnancy

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of infertility, trouble conceiving

Remember that you aren’t alone and if you ever need a helping hand, our fellow social services, friends, and family will always be there for us :) If anybody is going to be insensitive on this topic on my blog, you will be blocked. Happy reading! Borahae💜 

A/N: Bold is for flashback.

WC: 1410

You couldn’t believe it. You just couldn’t believe it. 

You have sworn something was wrong. You knew something was odd with your body and when your period skipped the next month, you went straight to the pharmacy. In a box, there were three test kits. 

And when the timer beeped, you stared at these three test kits, all holding the same result. 

Pregnant. 7 weeks. 

In shock, wouldn’t be a safe word to use. You were filled with mixed emotions. You and Taehyung have been trying for almost a year now. You were almost certain you couldn’t conceive. Your periods have never been regular and it wasn’t an easy feat through when your menstruation cycle was around. So you had told Taehyung about your thoughts about having kids. Back then, the both of you were dating, and you knew Taehyung was big on having a family. 

“Tae-”

“No, Y/N. It’s alright. We try and if we can’t, it’s okay.” Taehyung soothed you.

“But I know that you really want kids and I don’t think I will be able to give them to you.” Your doctors have told you that your body has been weak since young and due to the accumulated stress, it did not do the growth of your body well.

“Y/N,” Taehyung cupped your face, bringing it closer to his. He suddenly squished your cheeks, making your eyes widen in surprise. “All I need is you.”

Staring at the three tests on the washroom counter, you had to physically hold yourself up by gripping onto the edges of the sink. You needed to make sure - make sure that it was real before you go running to tell your husband. 

So you booked an appointment with your doctors and they told you the same thing the tests did. 

“Around seven weeks.” Dr Kim had given you a soft smile, handing you the pictures of the ultrasound scan. 

You headed out of the hospital after payment, brain yet to comprehend the knowledge you were given in a span of twenty minutes. You needed to tell Tae. Taehyung was the only thing on your mind.  

Staring back down at your ultrasound scan, you truly couldn’t believe your eyes. 

You headed to the nearest crafting store, picking out a ball of yarn, boxes, and crafting paper. Heading home, you were more careful than usual, afraid any sudden movements might hurt your child. Albit dumb if you were to tell your parents about what you were doing, but you couldn’t help but feel a little overprotective of the life growing inside you. 

It was a little past four in the afternoon and you decided to take a bath to get rid of the hospital smell. After drying your hair, you turned the television on and knitted while watching the latest ‘Run BTS!’. 

You stopped knitting after a while, placing your hand on your currently unnoticeable bump, saying, “That’s your dad and uncles. When you come into this world, you sure are going to be spoiled rotten.” You chuckled. You were the first among the girls to have gotten pregnant as of the information yesterday. 

You had told Hwani, Jin’s wife, three days ago. News spread fast within the group but you were more surprised that the boys had yet to catch on, seemingly that all their girlfriends and wives were gossiping over baby materials. 

Once you finished the little gift, you placed it in the box onto some crafting paper and the ultrasound. Wrapping the box with a ribbon, you proceeded to the kitchen to make dinner. Small, sharp barks could be heard as you walked to the kitchen. 

You bent down to collect Yeotan’s bowls. He was extremely chirpy today, following you everywhere and constantly going in between your legs. If you hadn’t known better, you would have said he was being protective. Placing his food bowls back into the tray, you gave Yeotan a scratch between his ears. 

Just as you finished setting the table, the door code chimed and Yeotan’s uncontrollable barking started again. You wiped your hands dry on your shirt as you walked out, greeting Taehyung with a kiss at the threshold of the main door. 

“Well, it’s not like I don’t like it. Rather the opposite, honestly. But I’m tired Jagiya. I don’t think I can do it today.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Can’t I just kiss my husband when he gets home?”

Taehyung looked at you suspiciously. “Of course you can but you normally have an ulterior motive.”

Let’s talk about selective hearing. It refers to hearing what you choose to hear and blank out everything else. You ignored the second half of the sentence, pulling your whiny husband to the living room and plopping him down onto the sofa. 

“Babe…” He called you warningly.

You headed over to the coffee table, carefully picking up the elegantly wrapped gift and placing it in his hands. Taehyung’s brows shot up, disappearing between his hair. 

“What’s this?” He took out his phone, confusion showing on his face. Oh, he’s always been an expressive one. “I don’t think I forgot anything? I swear today - is it our anni - wait no, that’s in three weeks.” Taehyung looked up with a face you knew too well.

The TaTa Mic face.

“Babe, I swear if I forgot anything, I’ll make it up to you.”

You sighed, caving into the look. If ARMY can’t even grasp a standing ground to the Tata Mic face, you surely stand an even lesser chance against it. 

“You didn’t forget anything, love.” You pointed back to the box. “Just.. Just open it.”

Taking a deep breath, you watch as Taehyung undoes the ribbon and opens the box. Watched as his brows furrowed even more, lip jutting out in a pout at the sight of the mittens you have knitted this afternoon. Watched as the gears in his brain turned the moment his eyes spotted the ultrasound picture beneath it. And as if in slow motion, you saw Taehyung’s eyes enlarge the moment the pieces clicked together. 

His head shot up so fast you were afraid he got a whiplash. 

“Serious? Serious!” Taehyung dropped to his knees. Thank god there was a carpet on the floor. His hands were shaking as you grasped them in yours, placing them on your stomach. “Jagiya, Jagiya, you aren’t kidding with me, right?”

His eyes shone with so much light that it was blinding to see. 

You shook your head. 

“We’re going to be parents, Tae.” Your voice wavered, tears coming forth, spilling over onto your cheeks. 

Taehyung looked down at your hands cupping your stomach and stared at it. He lifted your shirt in one motion, causing a gasp to fall from your lips. He brought his lips to your stomach, kissing it gently. 

“Hi, babyyyy…” Taehyung cooed. “You’re going to be the prettiest baby ever.”

You chuckled. 

Taehyung got up from his knees, cupping your face and kissing your lips. “And you are going to be the best mom ever.” 

“How do you know that?” You asked between his never-ending kisses. 

Leaning your foreheads together, Taehyung answered in his most famous way, “‘Cause it’s you.”

You smiled. 

At that moment, you were surrounded by love. You have never felt so high on such a joyous emotion before. As you looked down at Taehyung talking to your stomach, you felt so, so, so, grateful for the future you created together. Through thick and thin, the both of you have found a way to strengthen your connection, working together. 

The warmth of his love and joy radiates the whole house. And as your eyes locked, it was as if nothing else mattered at that moment - only you, Tae, and your unborn baby. Time seemed to still as the both of you looked at each other, so much affection and excitement in one’s eyes. 

And you knew - you just knew - that you were going to be okay. That as long as you had Tae by your side, you were going to be okay. 

As the both of you got up from the sofa, Tae suddenly pulled you into his arms, stopping you from walking any further from him. “You know what I said just now at the door? I take it back. I can definitely do it today.”

Your cheeks turned deep red as you smacked his arms. 

“Kim Taehyung!”

His bellowing laughter followed you all the way to the kitchen. 

[onceuponafosterkid]

Every now and then I am reminded how hard it is being an adult foster youth. I’m only 21, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. This week was really hard. I got sick on Monday while I was at work, but I have this fear of letting people down so I toughed it out. I got home and I had a fever of 103. I took some Tylenol but I can’t afford groceries right now so I don’t have any cold medicine or anything. I took Tuesday off of work thinking I needed a day to just recover. I mean, I’m working full time, taking three classes one of which is a two and half hour in person class twice a week after work so I thought maybe I was overdoing it right? But I’m pushing myself physically to avoid what’s going on mentally and yes I’m in therapy I know that’s not good but it’s what’s keeping me alive for right now. Anyway I go back to work on Wednesday but I have a cough and a headache and I just don’t feel great but I already took a day off I don’t want to make my boss mad. After work I take an at home Covid test my foster mom gave me and it’s negative, so I go to urgent care because day three of having a fever that’s now reached 103.5 and I don’t know what’s wrong. Urgent care does a Covid test that I know is going to be negative because I just took one, and they send me home. So if they sent me home I must just be overthinking this right? Maybe it’s not that bad. But I can’t work until the fever is gone and nothing is making the fever come down the cough is triggering my asthma so on Friday my foster mom takes me to the ER and there I find out I have pneumonia. They rehydrate me because I have been unable to keep anything down and sweating so much that water does nothing for me, and they give some antibiotics and I’m able to go home while they send meds to the pharmacy and finally I’m feeling like it’ll be okay. But the Walgreens they sent the meds to is closed on weekends, and I’m not supposed to wait until Monday so I call and ask them to send it to a different location which I find out halfway through Saturday the pharmacy is actually closed. So I call back again and ask them to send it down the street to Walmart but then they never call in the meds. So I ask my foster mom to call them for me and ask them to send the meds because it’s almost Sunday and I’m starting to feel like crap again and the fever is gone but I can’t breathe and my inhaler is expired and they were supposed to send a new one. She called and they said they would send them and she said she’d pick them up so I spent today cleaning in preparation for feeling better once I get my meds and once I’m done cleaning I sit on my floor and I start crying because I feel so freaking alone. Which is stupid because my foster mom has been taking care of me this whole time, sending me food and taking me to the ER but I can’t help but feel guilty because it’s not her job anymore to take care of me and she’s got a family at home, six kids counting on her but I don’t have anyone else to go to for help. I’m 21, I’m single, my bio family has left me again and it’s just been a really long week you know? It’s not like I have friends I can’t talk to, I lost them all when the assault at Wendy’s happened so I’m just sitting here fucking crying because I’m tired and it sounds very stupid but I’ve realized that it’s nobody’s job to help me. I’m in this alone and usually I can pretend that doesn’t hurt but not this week, not right now. But that’s just what happens when you age out. You’re alone unless you can find people and apparently I’m not very good at finding other people and I don’t know why. Anyway, I just needed a moment I guess. I feel like 12 year old me sitting outside my cottage at residential wondering if I’ll always be alone. I wish I could tell her the answer is no, but at this point in time I don’t have the answer she needs so for now I’m just crying with her.

[yippie-madness]

can my mum please stop being an asshole for one second.

idk what anyone did but shes so pissed off all the time at everyone for everything and she won't stop fucking complaining. shes having some kind o mid life crisis and going through menopause and shes like a stupid teenager from a movie with the whole mood swing thing. we know your going through menopause but your 50, fucking handle it. its all the time thats she does this. when i showed her what i did in biology she found a way to complain and make it about her self. im sorry you had to live in Trinidad, the place you choose to live in. wow it must of been sooo hard for you being the only white person their. wow you got called whitey twice in the like year you lived their. horrific. im sorry dad had a job and was away making money so you could fucking live. shes so fucking lazy too all if a sudden and selfish. all she dies is go for stupid fucking hikes and she need to get it out her system or whatever but can you please please please take care of the house a little? i haven't had a proper meal in weeks. maybe over a month now. we have take away or ready meals every day because she never cooks. their was some kind of fungus(?) growing in the sink and the fridge smells of rotting food and no one is doing anything. she is so ungrateful complaining and complaining and taking everything out on everyone else. and shes so petty. made a pie today instead of real food and then refused to cut dad a slice because he won't buy her a new car for her. buy your own fucking car. your 50, not 15. me and my dad are having to manage all of my medical stuff because she just gets angry if you ask her to do ANYTHING. i have like 3 days left of my med that i need to take daily, i cannot miss a day, and she only just got the refill to the pharmacy. my dad had to fix the main issue with it because she refused to call the hospital and she just keeps lying and dramatising everything. i don't know what her problem is. shes so incapable of doing things, the only way she has gotten this far is because other people just pander to her. she never had to think as a kid in her big fucking house and her posh primary school. she doesn't know how to make a single decision and she is so fucking mean to me. she doesn't mean it but please please stop making me feel bad for being so sick. i cant go in hikes with you im sorry i want to im sorry im so fucking tired. ive been asking for months now and because she refuses to take shit seriously or do anything for anyone else beyond sticking a packet in the microwave. and even then my dad did it for her because apparently shes incapable of making a doctors appointment. all i asked for was one appointment with my gp. but no. i don't even get that. i think therapy is pretty bullshity, over prescribed, and pseudoscience but i just wish she went to therapy so someone anyone could call her an asshole with all the polite padding. but she never would because she wont take criticism. you can't be in control of everything if you want do shit.

i probably sound like a spoilt brat.

[cyclogenesis]

life update, sry for absence, you will literally not believe the breadth and depth of fuckery I have been facing down these last few weeks including the last insane 24 hours

Cannot overstate how obscenely ridiculous things have gotten for me. I thought I felt Seasonal Affective Disorder looming at the turn of September to October but I think now it was just a sense of general foreboding. 

So I’m trying to truck along these last few weeks, sad as hell about my beloved cat, and then for the third time this year I have to find a new psychiatrist. I take Adderall for my ADHD, I have for six+ years, I see telehealth providers for monthly five minute appointments to be like yes I still need Adderall please send the prescription thanks. Walgreens causes a problem too fucking stupid to get into with psych #1 this year, I go out of my way to explicitly confirm this same problem won’t crop up with psych #2. No it’ll be fine he says. He was wrong, because he apparently didn’t know what he was talking about, and instead of looking into it for clarification he just said meaningless words to shut me up. 

The problem crops up again. We try three different pharmacies to try and get around it. Doesn’t work. I have to find a new psychiatrist. Again. Takes weeks. I finally find a place where god willing this dumb issue will not crop up again. I get an appointment for last Friday morning. Yay!!!! I decide to start seeing a new therapist too since one was on offer and I was feeling rough. (Last Thursday I said yes to the appointment. This is when I was already having a hard time.)

I see this new psych. He tells me that he’s going to hold the Adderall prescription hostage until I get an EKG and also a bunch of lab tests done. He watches me visibly wilt like a flower trapped in a bell jar. Fine. I go to Quest Diagnostics like he told me to. I get there at 10:30am and I’m #10 on the standby list. At 12:30pm I’m still #10 on the standby list and the nurse comes out and tells us all basically there’s no chance. I pay $6 for parking and leave having wasted two hours and six dollars. 

Fine. I make an appointment for Tuesday, the soonest I could get. (Great, that won’t already be a stressful day!) I find an urgent care place as suggested for the EKG. It’s a mile and a half away. I walk there. I wait an hour and forty minutes before a nurse comes to take my vitals. Because I didn’t expect to be waiting in the exam room for so long I’d taken my jacket off and then got too lazy to get back up and get it even though the AC had inexplicably kicked on. Because of this, and because anxiety makes my extremities go numb, my hands were so cold she had to take multiple pulse oximeter readings. “I’m a vampire,” I joked. “I’m actually dating a vampire,” the nurse said. She explained her boyfriend is Bela Lugosi’s grandson. Los Angeles: lmao. From outside as my eventual results are shared with the doctor I hear, “How is she awake??” 

I put my jacket back on as I wait for the doctor. I lie down. I stick my hands in my pockets. I try to think relaxing thoughts, going to my happy place: earlier this year, the beach at Cannes, walking ankle deep in the Mediterranean. I run through entire Sarah McLachlan songs in my head. By the time the doctor comes in for the EKG I’m feeling very chill. 

Too chill. The doctor has a ridiculously hard time getting a good reading. I’m lying there in an open front paper gown, topless, hooked up to this machine with wires coming off me like a desktop computer running Windows 96. She keeps having to move the little sticker things. We’ve been having a good time since she had to pull out the footrests and keep pulling. “I’m 5’11,” I told her. “I was always mad I didn’t hit six feet.”

“You should just lie,” she said, “How would they know?” I love her. Going forward I will lie. Doctor’s orders! 

I joke that given my previous case of corpse fingers with the pulse oximeter that I’m just a ghost and that’s the issue. She points out that it’s the Day of the Dead. I tell her I tried to haunt my family but their shrines sucked and nobody did the cool skull makeup so I decided to come fuck with some doctors. She laughs. I laugh. We continue to joke around. I love it. All I ever want to do is make people laugh. 

On the third try she finally gets a decent EKG reading though she’s iffy that she may need to do a fourth. Nope, this one is fine. I get to leave. I arrange to have the results faxed to my new psych. “Wait, is my heart okay? Haha,” I say to the receptionist. She passes me a copy of the results and tells me to talk to my doctor. 

It’s all fun and games until I’m walking out at 7:10pm on a Friday night into the cold dark evening with a 1.5 mile walk in front of me and abnormal EKG results that say “possible left atrial enlargement” and “abnormal right axis deviation” and “incomplete right bundle branch block” and “consistent with pulmonary disease”.

Oh. Um. Well. Okay. 

Googling all this leads to results that are scary and not in the “I googled my hangnail and WebMD says I have fingernail cancer” way, more in the there’s actually only so many things all of this together can mean and also the words “consistent with pulmonary disease” are in fact right there in black ink sort of way. Lots of stuff about the very increased likelihood of heart attacks. You hate to see that!!!!

In retrospect maybe it has been weird that I’ve been so aware of my heartbeat all the time lately. Maybe it hasn’t just been caffeine and stress. Well, I’ll call my GP first thing Monday and beg for an appointment ASAP, obviously. In the meantime I’ll try not to freak out. I’ll try to avoid additional stress. 

But, you know, I’ve been meaning to call my grandmother anyway. I still haven’t told her about Klaus. Our relationship has been shaky these last few years since I became estranged from my parents in 2021 after they went QAnon and decided that believing Facebook memes was more important than their relationship with their only child (me!!) and she got mad at me for standing up to them ever. Also she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in July so that’s been rough. But I figure she should be in the loop. 

I get ahold of her last night. I tell her there’s stuff going on with me, but she should tell me what’s up with her first. I await news of who triumphed in this week’s game of Yahtzee with her cousin and whether or not the Warriors or whatever sports team she’s keeping up with right now are winning. 

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you because I know you don’t really care what’s going on with them, but your mom’s moved in with me because your parents are getting a divorce,” she says. 

First I explain, again, as she knows, because she was there, that they are the ones that rejected me. I remind her that my mom got in touch last Thanksgiving saying she missed me and wanted to see me and that I said I felt the same, we just needed to have a serious talk first. I remind her that my mom completely fucking ghosted me after that and has not tried to get in touch since. Even unfriended me on Facebook. Been almost a year now. My parents’ entire relationship with me is less important than their unwillingness to have even one single solitary fucking grown-up conversation. This is a fact. 

And then I’m like, also what???????????????

So apparently my dad (stepdad actually, but he married my mom when I was seven and he’s the only person I’ve ever called Dad) told my mom they should move back to the Central Valley. He said they should sell their house in Sacramento and she should quit her job up there and try to find a new one in Fresno. They sell their house and use the extra to pay off debts, because they are morons who have always lived paycheck to paycheck no matter how big or small those paychecks are. 

Mom asks Grammy if she can move in with her in Fresno while she looks for a new job. Grammy says no. Mom moves in her friend Diane, who was widowed after her idiot MAGA antivaxxer husband got Covid (which he didn’t believe in) and ended up getting an entire lung transplant and then dying anyway. Mom gets a job in Fresno but she doesn’t like it so she quits. 

My stepdad meanwhile has a one bedroom apartment in Sacramento and is still working at his job up there. He puts a bunch of their stuff in storage in Fresno in anticipation of the move. My mom goes up to visit and they celebrate their 34th wedding anniversary. Everything’s fine. 

A week later he calls and says he’s divorcing her. She can keep all the stuff that’s in storage in Fresno. This apparently comes out of nowhere, though not for him I guess (lol?). 

Diane’s landlord finds out my mom’s living there and threatens to evict them due to the unauthorized tenant. Mom has to move in with Grammy. 

And that’s what you missed on Glee!!!!!!!!!

With that out of the way, I tell Grammy my cat died and also I likely have some kind of lung disease and my heart’s maybe fucked. I tell her luckily lol I’m starting therapy again and she says she doesn’t understand that and that she gets depressed sometimes and then she gets over it. She tells me I should get a job because she knows I don’t make enough from my shop. I explain that I’m trying to avoid stress right now because it could very literally give me an actual genuine fucking heart attack. She continues to be a dick because instead of using any of her 85 years of life on this planet to try to become emotionally healthy she has chosen again and again to just lash out when she’s upset and never grow as a person in any capacity whatsoever. I am grateful again that I’m able to take her and my parents as examples of what I don’t want to be. I am far more patient with her than she deserves and we part on decent terms. 

I immediately proceed to storytime this bitch out with the besties. Everyone’s like “What?????” and I’m like “I know!!!!!”

The funniest part is that the parental estrangement was due largely to my mom just fully choosing my stepdad over me, her only child. Which like wasn’t even a surprise really, as she had told me once in a childish and unexpected outburst of anger that she didn’t have a choice but to have me. (Sure she did. She just buried her head in the sand until it was too late.) So it made sense that it would be my stepdad. He was the one she felt she got to choose. Also, she is an asshole.

Hope she feels great now about making that call, lmao!!! How’d that one work out queen?? No husband, no daughter, 62 years old moved back in with your mom who didn’t even want you there, huh? Yikes!!

So anyway, my GP’s office opens in twenty minutes, please cross your fingers for me that I’ll be able to schedule an appointment sometime before my heart bursts out of my chest like the alien in Alien and then dons a tophat and tapdances away from this clusterfuck, an action for which I would not blame it tbh. (Edit: They don't have any appointments until April [what?!] but they have walk-in hours thrice a week. I will get there at 10am Wednesday morning and hopefully they will see me.) New therapist appointment is at 12:30pm, best of luck to her with this goddamned Pandora’s box of bullshit that I’m about to unleash on her. 

Gonna try to relax in the meantime as I am at this moment very aware of the consistent thumping of the tell-tale thing inside my chest. Wish me luck!

[amysubmits]

A Week (#6)

The other morning the first words out of his mouth were firm and at full volume. “On your knees.”

My body seemed to obey faster than my mind could process. He pushed his cock towards me and I took it into my mouth. He fucked my face for a couple of minutes before we went on about our day. 

--------

I was crying from bubbling-over anxiety as we were in a parking lot. It was a straw that broke the camels back sort of scenario. A stranger triggered a deep insecurity. Some of my insecurities have been particularly raw lately as I’ve been in a new wavy of understanding and accepting my my ADHD related shortcomings. I apologized CD for having to deal with my ‘crazy’. His voice was soft and his body was calm. He said I wasn’t crazy, that he understood my overwhelm and it would be okay. He sat with me until my emotions were regulated again. 

-------

He was talking off and on as I gave him a blow job. A mixture of praise and degradation. I was making a ton of noise. “A little bit of me talking is all it takes to turn you into an unrestrained whore, isn’t it?”

------

Another day he was highly stressed and anxious, in a way that felt to me like it was probably making him disinterested in sex. I was stressed to, but the kind that was making me crave release. I asked for permission to bring myself to orgasm. He said yes, but later he expressed that the way I had worded things made him feel like I was only interested in masturbating. This wasn’t the case, I had just asked to masturbate because I thought I knew he wasn’t in the mood for sex. 

I have been trying to work on initiating sex because I’ve always shied away from it. He’s always initiated often enough that I’ve never had to initiate to stay satisfied. I can always just wait, usually a day or less - and my needs will be met without expressing them, which has unintentionally worked as positive reinforcement for following that instinct I have to avoid asking. But he likes to hear my desire sometimes...and some part of me probably needs to learn that it’s good to voice my wants more often. Anyway, I ended up realizing that this was a scenario where I had shied away from asking what I really wanted (sex) out of fear of asking too much. So while it was good to express something about my sexuality (as expressing wanting relief is somewhat hard for me still) I still felt into the trap of avoiding the full on vulnerability...and it made him feel like I wasn’t interested in him in that moment. It felt like a failure, but I directly requested reassurance before bed, he gave it to me, and it silenced my insecurities. 

------

He picked out a tiny box of coffee cake from the bakery section at the grocery store. We very rarely buy items from the bakery like that. It just contained four slices of cake. The next morning he commented on how I hadn’t had any yet, and said I should. I said I would and went about getting myself a piece. 

“You know you always can have some of anything I buy, right? You don’t have to ask or wait for me to offer. You know that right?”

The honest answer is my logical brain knows, but my emotional brain doesn’t. He knows this, and it’s why he’s saying it explicitly. To remind the emotional part of my brain.

---- 

One day CD pointed out how a year ago, he was less open with me about something he does that’s related to his mental health. We got talking about how therapy has helped us to understand ourselves better and how that’s improved our intimacy. It feels to me like for years now, many times over, we’ve thought we had reached the deepest intimacy we could ever have...because it was the deepest we’d ever experienced before. And yet it seems like over time it always grows deeper somehow. At one point in this conversation we both got teary-eyed. 

-----

He was all “peopled out” but needed his prescriptions picked up from the pharmacy. He asked me if I’d go in. I threw on a hoodie, my shoes and grabbed my purse. “Are you going in wearing those?” he asked. I was wearing leggings. Before I could answer he explained “I don’t care either way. I just know you don’t normally wear them out.” Honestly, he’d probably enjoy me wearing leggings in public more often...but he knows I’m uncomfortable with unwanted attention and often change how I dress in public to reduce the odds of getting that unwanted attention. He was assisting me with managing my own boundaries and sense of safety.  

[tangledupinblue8]

Rant time

This is my most stressful time for my work because the 3-day conference that I organize is happening this week.

And of course on the only work trip I do, Adam is also on a work trip and left Friday.

It has been hectic as hell and please tell me why NO ONE can respect a registration deadline. I have gotten 5 emails today (it is noon) from people changing their registration. I leave tonight to set up, and the conference starts tomorrow.

I hate it. People also ask the most unreasonable and weird things. Last year someone emailed me the weekend before asking if they could get a room the night before the conference (Monday) and the remaining conference nights.

Last year someone also asked if their wife could attend all of the meals?

So, someone is coming to take care of the animals. And my period has coincided with this. And the pharmacy I use closed down recently, and my prescription runs out this week, so that was a rat's race to get things figured out at a new one.

It has all been too much. And it's fucking stupid because my job is not life or death, and I have to keep bending over backwards and thinking of everything ahead of time (I literally emailed people specifically who I knew would come but had not registered).

This year's extra stress brought to me by our managing director, who said she was getting two speakers for the final day then shit the bed and had nothing the week registration was closing!!! Despite me being proactive and asking her more than once if I could help her.

So I had to jump in and find someone. And she never responded to anyone's emails, and when we had our final zoom meeting before the conference she said nothing. No sorry, no explanation. It's like it never fucking happened even though it took at least a year off my life.

I need for this week to be over as soon as possible. I'm worried about how the dog will be (this is only the second time he is being left home alone since we got him). I'm tired already. I'm tired of people being so hard to work with. I don't know how I'm going to pretend to have positive feelings about the managing director all week. And I'm sure, as with every year, there will be some stressful thing happening in real time during the conference. And I don't shine under stress. I panic and cry.

[undeadorion]

I am so fucking pissed right now, I'm going to fucking fist fight my doctor!

I've been seeing this doctor since 2019. She's was okay. Not spectacular, but fine. She wasn't was willing to work with the transgender stuff and didn't (immediately) judge me for my weight. But it turns out she was only okay so long as it wasn't an on going thing she had to address over multiple visits.

Like I spoke to her about my anxiety, she gave me some meds that helped immensely. Once I didn't explode from the meds, it wasn't mentioned again and things were fine.

But then I got super sick for a full fucking YEAR and she wouldn't take it seriously. I've talked about it before, but it started with me asking if maybe I had either fibromyalgia or ME/CFS. They're both disorders of elimination, so she agreed to help me figure it out and started sending me to specialists.

Only a few months into this journey is when I got INTENSELY sick with that cough that wouldn't go away. She noted that my blood pressure was super high, too. It hadn't been during one of my regular checkups and she was the one who noted the correlation between my blood pressure being high when I was sick, but normal when I wasn't. She chalked it up to the effort of coughing making it high. Not the fact that I was also experiencing a chronic shortness of breath. So she gave me a high blood pressure medication collad Losartan and thought it would improve things. It didn't. And all through this my fatigue and cough just kept getting worse.

I got sick in August and it wasn't until the following May that she finally sent me to a pulmonologist (lung doctor) for a cough so intense that it was affecting my bladder control when a super strong coughing fit hit. It was a nightmare. I only got part way through the stupid long history of what I'd done and experienced to figure this cough out, and she stopped me to say it was likely asthma. That fucking fast.

The delay isn't the only reason I'm furious. It's the meds. Losartan didn't do a damn fucking thing to bring my blood pressure down. That only came down back to completely normal once my asthma was under control, because bronchitis had left me in a year long asthma flare. It took about 6 months for it to fully calm down with 2 inhalers and a pill. My cough never fully went away, but it stopped being such a life altering problem.

The only problem was, I still didn't feel better. For a while my fatigue levels improved, but then slowly declined again. I started having trouble sleeping and weird cramps and aches. Then due to a fluke with my pharmacy I didn't have the losartan for over a week. I'd slowly started feeling better but I'd chalked it up to a recent reduction in stress of having settled into a new job. But then taking it again after that break, my health immediately tanked. My back and calves all severely cramped up. Then I remembered something I'd spotted on the bottle (I'd recently changed pharmacies). The label didn't just say Losartan, it said Losartan Pot. Pot as in POTASSIUM. Which was caushing the muscle cramps because I had too much of it in my body.

I then looked up the side effects. Fatigue. Cough. Shortness of breath. Cramps. Are you fucking kidding me?!

I poked around a little more. While losartan isn't outright dangerous for people with asthma, it should not be the first choice for high blood pressure medications due to it causing bronchial spasms.

I stopped taking it immediately. And just a few days later, I feel like a completely different person. A week ago, I could do a single minor chore before I needed to lie down. Cooking a meal would wipe me out completely. Today I've already cleaned up the kitchen and gave the pantry a rough re-organization and partially cleaned up the pile of stuff accumulating around my desk because I was too tired to take care of it before. And I'm nowhere near needing a nap.

But that's not all. Let's rewind to a few weeks before I made this discovery. I finally had a follow up with my doctor following my ashtma diagnosis. She didn't look at my vitals at all, and she certainly didn't compare them to my last visit. My blood pressure came down from nearly hypertensive crisis to pretty much normal, and I'd lost 30 fucking pounds. And she couldn't give a fuck.

I told her about the pulmonologist SHE sent me to, and her response was "So you think you have asthma?" Then she insisted I stay on Losartan. Which I now know was a terrible call to make. I even talked to her about the fact that my fatigue was still keeping me from doing the bare minimum and she just brushed it aside. Like, excause me? That's a big fucking deal and the reason I keep coming to see you. To solve this problem, because this isn't normal! She went so far as to ask why I'd even come in if all I had was to tell her I had asthma. As if that didn't fundamentally alter everything we'd been doing. She then refused to diagnose me with ME/CFS, even though she agreed I likely had it. And had no answers as to what else could be causing my symptoms, but I coud use that "label" if I wanted to. Then proceeded to not include any of that in the notes, but did note that I'd said I'd intentionally not exercised out of spite for a shitty cardiologist she'd sent me to. Like quoted me, verbatim. Nevermind that was how I lost the 30 fucking pounds.

The nail in the coffin, however, is that my sister dealt with the same thing. We ended up with the same doctor by pure chance. She was in constant pain and had constant health issues, and our doctor just refused to do anything about it and kept brushing it off. When my sister finally got to a specialist, it turned out to be a serious issue with her gallbladder that required fucking SURGERY to fix.

I've already started the process with patient relations, and it sounds like they're taking it seriously.

I'm just so fucking furious. This has been such a long fucking journey, and to have a fix work in a matter of days is so surreal.

On the bright side, I can at least finally move on with my life. After being sick for nearly 2 years at this point. I first got sick in August of 2022, catching something that led to bronchitis while sitting with my sister in the ER for her bruised rib (she thought it was broken because a spoiled brat of a kid kicked her in the sternum while throwing a tantrum). It's now May 2024. I managed a lot in that time, but holy fuck.

[always-coffee]

Cash (June 5, 2017-March 19, 2024)

It’s so strange, to me—the emptiness.

The space that used to be filled has gone silent. The bed is empty. The food dish unfilled.

I find myself haunted by absence. An imagined footfall or jingle of a collar. A whine in the night.

Walking down the stairs with the expectation of happy butt wiggles and cute, seal-faced joy. Being careful not to drop food, because the dog might eat it. (He pounced on everything you dropped, always. He was on a very particular diet for health reasons.)

So much of my life and my daily life revolved around him. A few summers back, my dad even painted the back sliding door, because Cash was very offended that birds exist and kept hurling himself at the glass. Once he couldn’t see them, he chilled out. He also was annoyed if someone was Outside and he was inside. Keep in mind, he didn't want to be outside. He just didn't want you out there.

Cash had a very specific bed time. He could tell time incredibly well. And he would be very annoyed if his bedtime came and went and he wasn’t tucked in. He’d stare at you, like, “Hey, excuse me. We’re late.” He knew different days of the week, and he knew when to expect one of my siblings for a weekly visit.

He objected to departures, because how dare you. The only way to placate him was to offer him a plate of snackies as you exited. He loved bananas and ice cubes with a little bit of pumpkin frozen in them. I still have a whole baggie of them in the freezer. I'd just made him a fresh batch of sweet potatoes, his favorite treat, the other day. I cannot bring myself to throw them out yet.

He was very smart and learned tricks fast. This was the first dog I ever trained without my mother around. Sometimes, I was very sure he was smarter than me. He was also very, very stubborn, and you could tell when he heard a command and was like, nope.

Cash had anxiety. He was on meds. (Big fan of meds. The difference they made for him was incredible.) He saw a specialist. She was a godsend and went above and beyond to help, especially when he started to have health issues last year. Then, in Sept., he bloated, and an emergency surgery saved his life. The second I realized the symptoms (because I dive into research mode when I am trying to fix or help), it was off to the doggo ER before the sun began to rise.

Most dogs are fine after bloat surgery, if it's caught in time. Cash was not. Because Cash also had IBD and to get him to eat following his surgery, he got food that he wasn’t supposed to have. This caused all sorts of chaos for him. For months, I hand-filled a new medicine (powder into gel caps). I became very good at it, despite looking like I was moonlighting as Walter White. Or Scarface. Later, I made approximately 400 phone calls to get him a different med that he needed and had to come from a specialized pharmacy.

By all accounts, he should’ve died back in September, so the time since then has been extra time. I missed so many things taking care of him, spending time with him, playing allllll the rounds of fetch (his favorite). It took up so much of my time and energy. This is the summarized version. But I would’ve done it forever, if it would have made a difference. And I’d do it all again tomorrow, even feeling the way I do right now. I don't love small.

(This was all this week's newsletter, if that interests you. It's free: https://buttondown.email/alwayscoffee.)

[fearecia]

In this ongoing learning curve of "oh, these symptoms are actually an allergy response," I've come across some products for use around my house. I've been dealing with dryness on my hands for absolute years, requiring daily moisturizing to combat and keeping cuticle clippers handy to trim off the hang-nails before they get ripped off. I also trim off the slivers of skin that peel back from behind my nails (not technically hang-nails, I don't think).

For the record, I've always struggled with Dawn dish soap (aggressively dries out my hands and will make my knuckles itch and split) and generally stuck to Palmolive (raised on it). I have always been allergic to Dove products (bar soaps, body wash, etc - I blamed the moisturizers in them. No idea if that's the real culprit or not) and have generally used Softsoap or similar products for hand soap. After discovering that everything I was using had fragrance I couldn't smell, I swapped to these products that I could find in my local WinCo.

Ecos Hypoallergenic Dish Soap

Seems to be as effective as the Palmolive. I might be using a bit more soap for the same degreasing effects, or it might just be that since I haven't found a major refill bottle to buy, I'm noticing how fast I go through a bottle (I'm very aggressive in my dish soap use, so this isn't unusual).

Sappho Hill Bar Soaps

I got the Natural one and stuck one on a soap tray in each bathroom in my house. Rinses nicely off my hands and leaves that clean feeling. I haven't aggressively tested it against oils and grease from working on the motorcycle or something similar yet.

The overall redness of my hands has decreased and I'm not struggling with massive levels of dryness anymore. I haven't been picking up the cuticle clippers hardly at all either anymore, though I will admit to not having been paying as close attention to that side effect. I think my nails may also be getting stronger, but I think that correlates more with oral antihistamines more than the soaps. I've had the new products in use for 2-3 weeks now. I think I noted the possible changes in nail thickness over a month ago.

Now that I'm paying more attention, I think I'm also reacting to my shampoo and conditioner, and maybe the body wash. I installed a shower filter that I think made a small difference in the level of red on my chest after taking a shower, but I'm definitely still having issues there. Now that I'm paying attention, the redness pattern seems primarily isolated to my hands, forearms, face and chest, which tracks with the shampoo and conditioner. And I've definitely seen that it shows up right after using my shampoo. So that will be getting swapped out next.

I've also had oily hair but a flaky scalp for like... Ever. I had a brief period of time where that went away when I was being treated for acne with whatever that Vit-A derivative medication is. And then it went away again for a week or two when I was taking all the MCAS meds (I sadly ran into problems with the pharmacy for one medication and started reacting to another, so had to quit both of them). I'm kinda hoping that maybe the oily hair/dry scalp problem is another allergy related issue that I can treat with the appropriate products.

For moisturizing, I currently use Renew Lotion by the Melaleuca Company*. I started using it years ago when I lived on the top of the mountain in Colorado and my skin could not stay hydrated at all. Most lotions barley got me through 24 hours. This stuff took care of my skin for like a week. I've had multiple people who are medical professionals try it and love it (because it helps combat the dryness of constantly washing their hands). I've also had folks who have eczema use it and claim it is better than their prescription lotions. It's not cheap, but it's worth every penny in terms of how much less you need of it and how long the effects last. I will be considering it as another potential allergen source at a later date. For now, I'm barely using it, so I'm not super concerned at the moment.

*Yes, the Melaleuca Company is an MLM from what I can tell. I get the lotion because it's the best thing I've ever found. They have a variety of other products that are probably good as well (tea tree oil is the big component of their stuff) that I have never tried. I get the lotion on Amazon, which is probably about double the cost of what you would pay if you found someone selling the products directly (I used to get it for $20 a bottle with I had friends who worked for them). So, yes, MLM sucks, but products are solid.

Side note, I stumbled over this thread with recommendations for hypoallergenic products for MCAS folks:

Anyway. Just recording things and the process for future me/other people. Goodness knows it's reading things like this that has helped me figure a ton of shit out in the past.

[exeggcute]

hello! you seem to know a lot about skincare stuff, so i'm curious what products you use for general daily use? i also have adult acne and it's very annoying. i would also appreciate any lip moisturizing ideas if you have any. thank you, and hope your day's going well!

oh yes! although fair warning that I am not a skincare expert at all (I don't even understand half the lingo that people use when they talk about products lol) so take any of my recommendations with a grain of salt...

other than sunscreen, literally all of the stuff I use is either from paula's choice, the ordinary, or good old cerave. I don't even bother trying other brands at this point because I assume they'll just be overpriced junk—plus, you can get almost all cerave products and a good chunk of the ordinary's products at, like, target. I'd also note that you don't need to (and really should not) go out and buy a million things at once; I have a pretty good arsenal at this point but it took me a couple years to build it up by trying one or two new products at a time and seeing what I like.

both paula's choice and the ordinary have "shop by concern" sections on their websites, so if you want actual targeted advice about what to try then I would definitely defer to them lol. but for some specific examples of what I like:

diehard fan of cerave face soaps. they have a foaming pump and a non-foaming pump, depending on whether your skin is more oily or more dry. I mostly use the latter, but since noelle uses the former I'll occasionally steal a pump of the foamy one if I'm having an oily streak lol.

likewise with cerave moisturizer, specifically for your body, but also works great on your face as a final skincare step. will not make you break out. however (important info incoming!!!) the pump lotion is far inferior to the giant tub of lotion—the pump stuff is just kind of watery and sad in comparison. get the tub. you deserve it.

the ordinary hyaluronic acid 2% serum is another "help I have dry skin but also acne" lifesaver. you can apply it directly to (damp!!!) skin or (wet!!!) hair or put a couple drops in your lotion for extra-moisturizing lotion. but it works by drawing outside moisture into your skin/hair, so make sure you're not applying it to dry skin/hair or it can backfire and actually dry you out.

paula's choice enriched calming toner = dry skin savior.

for acne specifically, paula's choice pore-reducing toner fucking rules. it's not harsh at all so you can use it as much as you want. pairs well with paula's 5% AHA exfoliant (which only use when I'm really flaky, since it is a little harsh, but you can temper it by applying lotion right after).

the ordinary azelaic acid 10% suspension is a little tingly, so I only use it when I'm actively breaking out (which tbf is often lol), but it's a great at starving out pimples.

from the paula's choice CLEAR line, I looooove the purifying clay mask. I use this one a couple times a week as needed, usually right after I get out of the shower, and then I'll wash it off and do the rest of my face potions as usual. even if my skin is pretty clear I just like how tight and clean everything feels after. I also recently tried the CLEAR 5% benzoyl peroxide daily skin clearing treatment (only because I got it as a free gift... otherwise I would Not have tried a benzoyl peroxide product lmao. bad memories of childhood acne treatment snake oil shit.) and was surprised how much I liked it, although I've been applying it verrry sparingly. the bottle recommends applying it (1) to your entire face and (2) EVERY DAY, but I've had luck using it as a sporadic spot treatment. pairs well with the enriched calming toner.

I've also been using this prescription tretinoin cream off and on for the past year (from the dubious skincare-as-a-service online pharmacy "forhers" lol) and it's Good but not a miracle. my skin is already pretty sensitive so I try not to use it that often, but it would probably work a lot better if it did. also makes you photosensitive as hell so watch out (sunscreen is a must).

specifically for lip moisturizer, nothing beats plain old burt's bees lip balm imo but if you need something heavy-duty I do like the paula's choice lip and body treatment balm. it's a little greasy but has great staying power and the tub lasts forever!

also important to note. you should always do stuff in this order: wash your face (duh) > toner > other stuff > lotion/moisturizer. I know you're supposed to do the "other stuff" in a specific order if you're stacking multiple products but tbh I just kind of wing it lol.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

Back to work tomorrow.

Back to messing up and pretending to be someone I'm not.

Back to acting like nothing bothers me or at least trying to.

The only things you need to do to be a teacher is have the ability to have no ego at all, to take having your ego crushed over and over again and to be able to mimic others to a T.

Where I work absolutely nothing I have done on my own has mattered. Any new idea I come up with is completely passed over. Anything I do that works in my classroom is ignored. Even things that bring higher grades are not praised.

Last year my co-teacher came from another district where basically all of their students were hand-picked to be there so there were no discipline problems, and none of the students were low in any field.

The complete opposite of our district.

She came in with the idea that kids did not need any kind of visual stimulation and the fourth graders could sit and write notes non-stop for 45 minutes every single day. There were no pictures to augment the notes, no clarifications of large words. They just dictated the notes.

And this went against every single professional development day I'd ever had in my life which said that students need visual cues, they need things explained to them, they need sound, they need repetition, they need movement, and above all they need fun.

But this was a lady who had a PhD and yet for some reason was teaching fourth grade and so I had to do everything she said even though I knew it was the worst thing for my students.

This year I don't make the lesson plans, I don't make the lessons, I don't make the copies, I literally do nothing but mimic what the other teachers do.

And now there is a 2nd year teacher who is the new darling because she took something that we have been doing for years put a slightly different spin on it claim to have invented herself and made a big presentation of it to some higher-ups who were here last week.

Now not only do I have to mimic her when I have 5 years seniority and no more about the subjects than she does) I now have to rearrange my room so it looks like hers.

But it is a job and it is a paycheck and I have to be very careful not to let my true feelings show or else I could get in big trouble.

On a semi-related note, my ADD pills finally came in and they are $400. When I called the pharmacy to find out what was going on they said they never got a new insurance card from me so basically I've been painful price for everything since January. So I called today and ordered the card and I only have 5 days to get it in or else I'm stuck paying the full price because after 5 days who knows what's going to happen to that prescription. It takes weeks and weeks and weeks for me to get the pills anyway and I'm really afraid that I won't get them at all if I don't pick them up within the 5 days.

The insurance sent me a link to where I was supposed to be able to download a card but in registering for the website I need my policy number...... which is located on the card......THAT I DON'T HAVE!!!!!